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Since I was raised by narcissistic parents, I had lived a life without being myself, without being my true self until the age of 34. In this blog post I want to share my journey of finding my true self with you.
The true self is the epicenter of a person's entire being, it is the total sum of everything that we are. It typically includes the conscious and unconscious minds as well as the psyche and the soul.
The realization of ones true self can only happen when one becomes aware of the false ego and overcomes the vanity of this great illusion. Without the temptation of the materialism of the false ego we are essentially pure awareness, experiencing itself.
Source: Urban Dictionary
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Your false self is the defensive form of your self and can be caused by many factors like trauma, abuse, shock and stress. It can already evolve in an early stage of your life when your parents reject your true core, your real self. If a child's needs, feelings, special characteristics and gifts are not respected, the child is forced to develop a false self. In order to be loved, the child adapts to the expectations and standards of their caregiver. In the course of life the false self gets such a massive impact that the person believes until his adulthood that this is their true self.
With sharing my personal story about having lived with my false self for over 30 years, you will also learn more about the effects which occurred while having lived with my false self for so many years. It's actually unbelievable how one can live with a false self for so long!
As already mentioned above, I was raised by unhealthy narcissistic parents which has led to living a life with my false for more than 30 years.
Before I found my true self, I had lived over 30 years without knowing that it was my self was a false self. Here are some of the traits I had when I was still my false self:
I was a so-called people pleaser. I was always nice and helpful. I could never say "no". I wanted everyone around me to be happy and would do whatever is asked of me to keep that condition.
I did what other people wanted me to do. I had no self-initiative. I felt comfort with getting instructions and just follow them because it was how my parents raised me. They told me what to do and what not to do all the time.
I was very shy and had a low self-esteem. I also felt worthless and inferior compared to others. I thought that other people would not be interested in me and what I had to say and share with them. That's why I was quiet and hardly talked to anyone (except for people who were close to me) most of the time.
I was often depressed, anxious and often had suicidal thoughts even in my childhood.
I didn't pursue my passions and dreams.
I often felt unhappy and empty inside.
I felt alone even if I was together with other people.
I felt wrong.
In short, I wasn't myself.
With this false self, I went through all major events in my life - graduating from school and university, working jobs, falling in love with the love of my life and marrying him, giving birth to two children ...
But because I had lived with my false self for such a long time, I developed a lot of health issues which started in my adolescence - urticaria, recurrent infections, allergies, food intolerances, histamine intolerance and eczema. I still have a lot of these chronic health issues today because you can't heal quickly from so many years of living a false life but they are not so bad like they used to be before I found my true self.
One day in 2014, I had a major breakdown. I felt bad both physically and mentally and my health issues were the worst ever. I was then diagnosed with stage 0 cervical cancer which was fortunately a very early stage of cancer. It was only on the surface of my cervix. It hadn't spread yet. I had surgery to remove it and changed my life style to a healthier one.
Despite all, I felt bad both physically and mentally and my other chronic health issues like my food intolerances and allergies got worse. I kind of fell into a black hole and felt scared, empty and lost. Nothing was like it was before. I questioned everything in life – my role as a wife and mother, my career, my current life situation and my bad relationship with my parents.
This period of life is called the Dark Night of the Soul. It's a time when you feel disconnected to God or the Spirit. You feel empty, depressed, lost and anxious. Life becomes meaningless and without purpose. In some cases it feels like a depression though it is not a real depression. It is actually a spiritual crisis which is often triggered by major life events like divorce, the death of a loved one or a serious illness as in my case.
Most people who go through the Dark Night of the Soul „wake up“ to a higher consciousness and find their true self afterwards. The egoic self, the false self dies and the true self is born. Though the Dark Night of the Soul seems to be a hard time, it is actually a blessing in disguise because going through it may help you dive deep into your soul and find your true self, reconnect with God and become spiritually awaken.
Dreaming Through Darkness - Shine Light into the Shadow to Live the Life of Your DreamsRemembering the Light Within - A Course in Soul-Centered LivingOut of the Darkness - From Turmoil to TransformationEntangled In Darkness - Seeking the Light
If you want to know more about the Dark Night of the Soul, I recommend you watch the video below!
I went through the Dark Night of the Soul in 2014 and „woke up“ in 2016. Those 2 years were a hard battle for me and I felt worse than ever because I had to deal with the fact that my parents were unhealthy narcissistic and that I had lived with my false self for over 30 years. However, today I'm glad that I went through it because it helped me find my true self and become spiritually awaken.
My life is so different with my true self. When I look at my photos from my life before the transformation, I feel that is a different person. Everything has changed – my relationship to my husband and children has become better and closer, my career has changed from employed to self-employed, I have rediscovered my passions from childhood and turned them into a business, I have read and educated myself a lot about spirituality, self-development and health, I have left my parents and moved countries. The relationship with my parents is unfortunately broken and I don't know if if will stay like this in the future. I can only pray that God helps us to reconnect with each other and find a way to maintain a relationship that is acceptable for both parties.
Well, this is more or less my personal story about how I found my true self. Do you have your own story about finding your true self? If yes, please write it down in the comment section below. I would really love to read it.
Thank you so much for reading this blog post.
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Lots of love,
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My name is Janet Giessl. I'm a wife, mom, educator, author, artist, spiritual creative, multi-passionate and highly-sensitive person.
On this blog I share my creative work, creative work tutorials and courses and information about creativity, spirituality, self-development, multipotentiality and how to make money online with your creative work.